Uncertainty

That word has been popping up a lot lately. An noun from the adjective uncertain meaning "not exactly known or decided, not definite or fixed, not sure, having some doubt about something".

Isn't there that saying "The only thing certain are death and taxes."?

Uncertainty is a pretty wicked little demon. It causes all kinds of questions. Even when I listen to my gut, and KNOW that part is speaking the my absolutely Truth, Uncertainty can weasel it's little sharp teeth into that Truth. Chew away at what I know, nibbling at the scraps of what is left and then puking it all up an say "See, I told you that wasn't right for you.".

Especially with relationships. Especially NEW relationships. Those are always uncertain. You express a few feelings, maybe those are reciprocated, maybe not. There is NO way to be certain the other person will feel the same way, unless you ask. Even then.....Uncertainty runs right into the mess saying "Oooo, you sure you want to say that? What if they don't like you? What if they pick another person for the job?"

My ungainly point here is that when you stick you're neck out, when you express your Truth, when you really dig deep, grab your courage and say what you feel, then Uncertainty really scampers away.  It's hard to speak that Truth, but when you really do, only then can you be certain.

Looking back....slightly....

Haven't posted up in quite a awhile, but that hasn't stopped me from journalling. You see, there has been a much needed......break, we'll say, from myself. There have been many "A-ha" moments in the past 8 days. Many of which have been while I've been either quietly writing (physically writing, not typing) and quietly talking with a very few select friends.

I'm learning to be quiet. Not stop talking, but inside, to quiet the demons of Perfection, Mr. Fix-It, and The Way Things Should Be.

I've realized that I don't have to 'fix' anything, especially other people. I just need to Love them. They aren't Perfect and I sure as heck aren't Perfect. To even try to BE perfect is a joke. If I need to fix anything it's my own darn self. Which isn't really broken or damaged either. I just have made some choices based on history. Of unfulfilled and unexpressed needs. Of not understanding the gifts before me were actually greater that what I had asked for. I may have lost something so wonderfully enormous only because it didn't look the way I had imagined. I'm hoping not.

It's been a funny learning curve lately as I've had a couple books gifted me and all three seem to be teaching me the same lessons I already know - if I shut up and listen. If I stop numbing myself. If I stop judging others and myself.

"Conversations with God" was gifted to me by a friend. Someone I don't see a lot, but when we do, we have amazingly deep conversations. She gave me her copy, trusting me with her notes and underlines. The book has really put a spin on my Midwestern Methodist upbringing and is creating a new sense of God. Truly, the essence of God is simply, Love. Not the Hollywood version, but more the freeing sense of not setting a limit on Love, not settling expectations on Love, but just letting Love.....be.

Yep - trust me, as a Fixer, Pleaser, Helper, and Sensitive guy, just loving someone, with all their emotions, can be difficult. Because Love is to allow them ALL that, and let them learn the lessons, hear the messages, that are already within them. To maybe guide them to listen. Not to say what they should and shouldn't do - they are already given all they need to know. They have the free will to make their own choices. I'm writing this now and I realize I'm talking about 'them' when I should be talking about Me.

As I look back, I see that I was becoming bogged down in how to fix something, Honey Badgering myself into 'how will this work?' and "I can't do this/that without...", and "....well what about this?". All the questions were being asked out of Fear and Uncertainty. Afraid of stepping out of my comfort. Uncertain of how things might end up. Fear that I wouldn't be capable. Uncertain that I would lose part of myself.

Physically I can push myself well outside my comfort zone. I realize now that it's time to step into the arena and battle again in the emotions. To make choices based on Love and to slap the demon of fear down. To learn that things are just as they are supposed to be. That really every moment I choose, even in stressful moments, it all comes down to a choice. To Love or to Fear. As Jim Carrey recently said "Always choose Love."

Admittedly plagerized

First off I'll say this - below are not my own words. They were written down while listening/watching a TV Drama on Netflix. I heard the words and replayed that segment since I was able to 'pause/start' to get the full content. Written by a father in a future letter to his sons, I felt it echoed what I am learning (again) today. It's so simplistic yet I struggle with it every day. I find myself 'pleasing' again in my primary relationship. Self-censoring on things that bring me joy, not allowing myself to enjoy the Happiness in my circumstances, changing my thoughts/ideas on what I like because I don't want to upset my partner. I don't sleep well, wake up apprehensive, have a created a perpetual cloud over my head. I know this is an unhealthy place for me to be. Here we go -

"Examiner yourself. Figure out what is important to you. Know yourself, what's in your heart. Don't be swayed by Fear, or by History, or the opinions of Outsiders. Find your own Truth as it will lead you to the things you love."

Right now, right this very moment, I realized that all those things are drawing my down. Those are my Demons. They cause the uneasiness in my soul. They distract me from God's message and lesson. How am I to be engaged in a primary relationship if all I do is allow these demons to control who I am?

At least this time I'm am realizing it early on, learning the cause and effect, and what to DO with it all. What to do is this - stand here facing these demons, smile, be kind, and state my Truth. They hate it when I do that.

And that, gives me great pleasure.

A little background

Several months ago I was gifted a book by a friend. This was a relatively new friendship so I was rather shocked when presented with what I thought was another Self-Help book. I actually said that to her - "So, you barely know me....what makes you think you can already give me a 'self-help' book?"

She went on to explain her thought process, which made sense. Seems we had similar life history yet she was much further down her healing path. Then, seeing my hesitancy to accept, she suggested I watch two TedTalks by the author - "It'll be like the Cliff Notes version of the book".

SOLD!! I could watch a 14 minute video....

The first one was this......

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

Then this one 

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame

If you haven't figured it out yet, I was given Ms. Browns book "Daring Greatly". What I appreciate about the suggestion to watch the videos first, is that now when I read her books, I hear her voice, her mannerisms, her......reality. I believe that when we read someone else's work we only hear our voice in our head. We don't hear the author. How could we? Most likely the book came as a recommendation from a friend, family member, VooDoo Head Shrinker, or black and white suggestion at the bookstore or Amazon. 

By watching Brene, more importantly HEARING her, I can enjoy the commonality that we all have through all our same struggles. The words on the pages become.......real. Honest. True. What I liked about this book is that it is research based, but told through someone applying what she has learned to herself and her family. To me THAT is the key aspect of what makes this such great information. Being hyper critical Virgo I have a burning desire to have to know what to DO. As a guy, I need to fix things, especially when someone is hurting. What I'm learning now is it's not healthy for me, or the other person, to try and fix their hurts. If anything, it's best for me to just be there, to find some similar experience that will allow me to have true empathy and/or compassion for them. That includes having the same damn thing for me. 

From someone that spent a couple decades numbing, hiding, keeping my Truth inside, it's a very difficult re-program of my brain. I'm learning that giving someone my Truth is WAY more important than trying to tell them what you think they want to hear. It's still exceptionally hard to shovel the yards and yards of emotional horse shit I've accumulated, but I'm working at it. 

I read that book and used it in a 'work book' fashion.  Journalling along the read. I tend to think this book will be more of a reference book, rather than one read, placed on the shelf and periodically dusted. 

In fact, it's already on loan to a buddy until his arrives. 

Well, I guess that's it. Time to start back in on painting the bathroom. 

They say you can't go back....

Except that's where I want to go. Not in the "Back in Time" way, but to that moment in my life where I really truly didn't care about what people thought. Not in a Judd Nelson/Bender "Breakfast Club" way, but more the Anthony Michael Hall/Richard way. You know at the end Richard pens this letter to the Principle. Simplistic, Honest, Vulnerable and Concise.

I remember a time in my life that I had achieved a very similar acceptance of myself. Or maybe My Self. Along the way I partnered with someone who had yet to accept Her Self. Know this, I am not writing this out to assign blame, only writing it out to understand where I lost my Self. What I have discovered is this - I began to believe that I was responsible for her. In pretty much all aspects of Life. I know now, and am learning again, that I was not, and am not, responsible her her. Nor anyone else. I am only responsible for myself.

Part of that responsibility is to share my Truth. More simply to express Honesty with my feelings, what I think and KNOW that how the other person responds says more about them than it does me. I am responsible for how I deliver my Truth. I know I must take every effort to be kind.

As a person who can let his emotions get the best of him, and with a lot of history of intense emotional blowback, I know I need to find the right moment to express my truth, my feelings, my vulnerability. After being trained to do the opposite (keep feelings inside) for nearly two decades, pushing into truly sharing has been the most difficult challenge of my life. I've become so incredibly scared of what people will think, but most importantly, how they will react.

My experience is that when my feelings or truth are expressed, when I'm being vulnerable, 'they' leave - emotionally/physically. In order to keep them close, I've learned that it's not good to share. I couldn't have been more wrong.

It started with this image.

The little girl staring into the oily black slime with such a pleasant smile. Figured, if she can do it so can I. Boy, do I have a list of demons - Perfectionism. Pleasing. Doubt. Fear. Numbing. Care-taking. I started this after remembering the years and years of journaling. The years and years of counseling trying to fix something that just couldn't be fixed. In the process losing myself, losing Hope, losing Faith, and finding myself always sharing with everyone else, looking for the answers they couldn't provide, searching for something to fill the Void. Yet the hole I was trying to fill only got deeper. This is just me writing out what I've just begun to re-learn, re-realize, re-accept and re-claim. That I'm at my best when I'm living my Life, speaking my Truth, and not trying to People Please. It's me turning back the clock nearly 20+ years and getting back my honest smile.