Looking back....slightly....

Haven't posted up in quite a awhile, but that hasn't stopped me from journalling. You see, there has been a much needed......break, we'll say, from myself. There have been many "A-ha" moments in the past 8 days. Many of which have been while I've been either quietly writing (physically writing, not typing) and quietly talking with a very few select friends.

I'm learning to be quiet. Not stop talking, but inside, to quiet the demons of Perfection, Mr. Fix-It, and The Way Things Should Be.

I've realized that I don't have to 'fix' anything, especially other people. I just need to Love them. They aren't Perfect and I sure as heck aren't Perfect. To even try to BE perfect is a joke. If I need to fix anything it's my own darn self. Which isn't really broken or damaged either. I just have made some choices based on history. Of unfulfilled and unexpressed needs. Of not understanding the gifts before me were actually greater that what I had asked for. I may have lost something so wonderfully enormous only because it didn't look the way I had imagined. I'm hoping not.

It's been a funny learning curve lately as I've had a couple books gifted me and all three seem to be teaching me the same lessons I already know - if I shut up and listen. If I stop numbing myself. If I stop judging others and myself.

"Conversations with God" was gifted to me by a friend. Someone I don't see a lot, but when we do, we have amazingly deep conversations. She gave me her copy, trusting me with her notes and underlines. The book has really put a spin on my Midwestern Methodist upbringing and is creating a new sense of God. Truly, the essence of God is simply, Love. Not the Hollywood version, but more the freeing sense of not setting a limit on Love, not settling expectations on Love, but just letting Love.....be.

Yep - trust me, as a Fixer, Pleaser, Helper, and Sensitive guy, just loving someone, with all their emotions, can be difficult. Because Love is to allow them ALL that, and let them learn the lessons, hear the messages, that are already within them. To maybe guide them to listen. Not to say what they should and shouldn't do - they are already given all they need to know. They have the free will to make their own choices. I'm writing this now and I realize I'm talking about 'them' when I should be talking about Me.

As I look back, I see that I was becoming bogged down in how to fix something, Honey Badgering myself into 'how will this work?' and "I can't do this/that without...", and "....well what about this?". All the questions were being asked out of Fear and Uncertainty. Afraid of stepping out of my comfort. Uncertain of how things might end up. Fear that I wouldn't be capable. Uncertain that I would lose part of myself.

Physically I can push myself well outside my comfort zone. I realize now that it's time to step into the arena and battle again in the emotions. To make choices based on Love and to slap the demon of fear down. To learn that things are just as they are supposed to be. That really every moment I choose, even in stressful moments, it all comes down to a choice. To Love or to Fear. As Jim Carrey recently said "Always choose Love."